The West Bend Current

VIEWPOINT

Sunfish and their entire existence fills me with nothing but pure, bitter rage. But I promise I’m okay.

The Mola mola fish (better known as the sunfish) is an incredibly skinny, dinner plate-shaped ocean fish managing to weigh an average of 2,000-5,000 pounds. Their diet, lacking any real form of nutrition, consists mostly of jellyfish blooms and other small creatures. They have to eat constantly to keep up their obnoxious size. Don’t be mistaken, though: these stupid fish have not gotten to my head.

It is a myth that scientists don’t know how sunfish move. They do know, but the method of movement is significantly more disappointing than not knowing at all. Sunfish lack a rear tail or fin, so their method of transportation is wiggling two huge fins on top and below the body. It is quite laughable due to the way their body stays completely still while the fins have very small, but noticeable, movement. These fish move slower than the scooters at major shopping centers. At a whopping 1.8 miles per hour, it’s a shock they are able to catch any prey at all. It’s aggravating how slow these things are, and yet they are somehow successful at staying alive.

Sunfish, despite their painfully slow speeds, hunt for their prey in the deeper parts of the ocean. That’s not an issue on its own, but sunfish are terrible at warming themselves up. I will admit, they can keep themselves warm at a decent rate. I’ll give them that. But the only way for them to gain the warmth that they lost is to float on their side at the surface of the water and bask in the sun. Hunting deep in the ocean without an efficient way of warming back up (that does not include swimming ALL the way back to the surface) is a pretty idiotic move. Don’t worry, it gets worse.

There have been cases of sunfish warming themselves up a little bit too well and dying due to excess amounts of sun exposure. Mola mola fish are named after their sunbathing habits, and they are terrible at even that. Why waste such a beautiful name on such stupid fish? I would never give any attention to these weird creatures.

The only benefit sunfish have to the environment is allowing small fish to clean off its massive body (that is obnoxiously huge for no reason) and controlling jellyfish bloom population. Controlling a population is pretty important, sure, but jellyfish blooms have other (and much faster) predators such as sea turtles that eat these overpopulated jellyfishes at a much higher rate. The only reason that jellyfish blooms have a high population to begin with is due to pollution. Most jellyfish predator populations are being endangered because of plastics floating about the water. Of course, sunfish’s stupidly large size makes it harder to get wrapped into plastics. Typically I would give sunfish the win here, except I’m not counting pollution as a good reason to exist.

If humans had not inhabited the earth and got rid of waste in the way we do, pollution wouldn’t exist at all. I am taking in the natural properties of this fish, void of outside factors that may affect their usefulness. This means that pollution cannot count as an excuse for being useful in any way. So, my point still stands: sunfish are entirely useless creatures with obnoxiously large bodies that have no benefits. They are a waste of space, energy and brain power, which is exactly why I could never give any of my brain power to these things.

Still, why do they fill me with such rage?

It’s the idea that these creatures are able to exist at all despite everything pinned against them. From speed to diet, these not-so-little creatures have dodged every single disadvantage given to them. It is as if sunfish are immune to any kind of setback and instead live their lives as happy little hippies minding their own business and floating about on the surface of the ocean. Naming them sunfish is such a waste. It’s a name that could be used on a fish that resonates like a light catcher, but no, it’s used on the most worthless fish possible. Maybe I do think about sunfish a bit too much.

Oh, and don’t get me started on stairs.

---

(Top image: Photo by Erik van der Goot, used with permission via Wikimedia Commons.)

The Current welcomes submissions from all students, faculty, administrators and community members, but reserves the right to edit for length or content. Any column, editorial or letter to the editor expresses the opinion of the author and not necessarily the entire staff.