The West Bend Current

Michael Jackson said to start with the man in the mirror. That’s what the Current did to investigate a mystery at the West Bend High Schools.

Students who used the West cafeteria in late February might have noticed something missing at a little table in the corner. Instead of twelve round black discs, one might have counted eleven. Eleven seats and one gleaming silver pole. Where did the plastic seat go? What happened to it? The Current set out to find the answer.

After a long night of soul-searching, Current reporter Noah Becker discovered the culprit: West junior Noah Becker. He sat down with himself to discuss the trauma and humiliation brought on by his cafeteria snafu. 

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The Current: So what exactly happened that fateful day?
Noah Becker: Well, okay, I was eating my lunch in the cafeteria when–

What was for lunch?
How is that important?

Just answer it.
It was cheese pizza.

How many slices did you get?
What? Why is this relevant?

Just answer the question.
. . . Two.

You had two slices of school pizza that day?
Yes.

So when did the seat break?
Okay, so I had just finished my pizza–

Your first or your second piece?
I don’t like the direction this interview is taking.

First or second.
Second.

So how did you manage to break the seat? (At this time, Becker, who had been growing more and more hostile as the interview progressed, proceeded to glare at me. Intensely.)
Do you want to rephrase that question at all?

I don’t see an issue with it.
The seat broke when I had finished my food. I leaned forward in my stool to talk to my friends and then a giant piece of shrapnel flew off my chair and flew under another table like a grenade.

Did the other table notice?
No, I don’t think so.

So what happened next?
Well, my seat was really loose, so I decided to pull it off. A staff member happened to be right there to watch the whole ordeal and I handed the seat to him. Then, to make me feel better, he regaled me with the tale of how he broke a chair in high school in front of his crush.

When the Current went to the West cafeteria to investigate the broken seat, the stool had conveniently been replaced by the custodial staff.
Yeah, that happened two days later. The day where there was no stool was humiliating. It was like a scarlet letter. Everybody around me had watched me break the chair. I had to sit at the other end of my table because there was no room for me and I couldn’t sit on my pole.

Why didn’t you just sit on the pole?
I’m not answering that question.

Becker seemed shifty, looking away like he had something to hide. Clearly the pole was a sore subject. The Current graciously decided not to push the issue.

How did your tablemates react to the chair breaking?
Well, I was instantly blasted with a barrage of body-shaming. I was called fat, obese, rotund, a whale, Gorlak the Destroyer, Biggie Smalls, fatso and various other names and insults. It was extremely rude. I think there’s a stereotype that breaking things you sit on is a sign of being overweight and that simply isn’t true.

Can you tell us your exact weight?

With that, Becker waddled off in a huff (and a puff). The interview, it seemed, was over.

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All in all, the Current investigated an important problem at our school and the deeper social issue motivating it. Despite being off-putting (and needing to be off pudding), our interviewee provided some valuable insight into the fragility of our school chairs–and our emotions. 

For his part, Becker, who is thin, hopes to break the stigma around breaking chairs.

“It’s not just for large people,” Becker said.

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(Photo courtesy of Noah Becker.)