The West Bend Current

We’ve finally reached “Peanuts” season.

Some may know it as “Christmastime” or “winter” or whatever, but we here at the Current know better. The final three months of the year belong to Charlie Brown, Snoopy and a host of assorted characters. And this year is even more sacred. The “Peanuts” comic strip turned 75 this year, a tremendous milestone. And what better way to celebrate than with an arbitrary and ultimately meaningless ranking of the 17 major characters?

You may be wondering what qualifies us here at the Current to write this list. Who are we to be the ultimate authority on the characters created lovingly by Charles Schulz? Glad you asked! Between the one person who wrote this article, four “Peanuts” treasuries, three DVDs, numerous stuffed animals and several wall decorations are owned. They may have had Charlie Brown bedsheets for years. So yeah, they have all the authority. 

Note: This list, as always, is a definitive and objectively correct ranking. All opinions are final, official and right. You’re welcome. Now let’s get to it!

17. Shermy
Appearing in the first-ever “Peanuts” strip as Charlie Brown’s best friend, Shermy held the straight-man duty. Tragically, Shermy was slowly phased out of the strip early on due to being really freaking boring. Moving on.

16. Violet Gray
Another early “Peanuts” mainstay, Violet was mean and rich. I hate her. Moving on.

15. Patty
Violet’s equally mean best friend, Patty, was also equally forgettable. Even her name was stolen by the far better and totally separate character Peppermint Patty. Bonus points for always matching her bow to her dress.

14. Frieda
This diva was always going on about her naturally curly hair. Apparently, perms didn’t exist. In her ‘60s heyday, she was infamous for constantly gagging the rest of the Peanuts gang. We’re gonna dock some points from Frieda because she always tried to make Snoopy chase rabbits, and that’s not true to his nature.

13. Rerun
Linus and Lucy’s younger brother Rerun was only introduced in 1973, some 20 years in, so he didn’t leave much of an impact. He looked exactly like Linus and mostly rode on the backseat of a bike. Next!

12. Sally Brown
As Charlie Brown’s younger and more spirited sister, Sally proved that blondes can be dumb. She empowered a generation of yellow-haired beauties to not use their minds. Sally was also in love with Linus and called him her “Sweet Babboo.” As weird as that name is, you have to give her props for manifesting her man. Sally had a kind of determination that one only sees in dictators of South American countries, but she also was kind of annoying. So down she goes.

11. Spike
Next up is Snoopy’s realest and most popular sibling, Spike. Spike always had a dumb hat on and never really said much of anything, and his only friend was a cactus. However, Spike managed to farm aura even in the most barren regions. Bonus points for him.

10. Pig-Pen
Much like yo mama, Pig-Pen resided in filth. Pig-Pen’s claim to fame is the cloud of dust that perpetually follows him around. One may speculate that the puff is really just Shermy’s ashes. It wasn’t all gross for Pig-Pen, though. His wit and incisiveness cut through the grime, as he commonly brought philosophical talking points to light. And he played a mean bassline.

9. Franklin
The first Black character in “Peanuts,” Franklin brought a levelheaded presence which made him a sympathetic guy. He was fun, cool and nonchalant, always providing a foil to whatever unfolded around him. His first TV appearance came in the 1971 Thanksgiving special, where he was seated on the opposite side from the rest of the all-white characters in a flimsy chair that collapsed immediately. This may not have aged well. Oh well! Next!

8. Marcie
The overachiever of the gang, Marcie was the sidekick to the athletic Peppermint Patty. Marcie was an intellectual type who had a healthy respect for authority, as evidenced by her refusal to address Peppermint Patty as anything but “Sir.” Tragically, Marcie was born without eyes, so she wore large impenetrable white circles on her face for protective purposes. Despite her unfortunate condition, she was still entertaining. And what matters more than that?

7. Woodstock
This stupid bright yellow bird was Snoopy’s little friend. He pretty much did nothing and refused to speak English, which is distinctly unpatriotic of him. In fact, the FBI recently investigated Woodstock for being a Commie, in no small part because he was named after the hippie festival. The more you know! Woodstock was still pretty cute, though, and his gang of other yellow friends made for a formidable group of Beagle Scouts.

6. Linus Van Pelt
This know-it-all thought he knew it all. Usually, he did. Linus seemed to have a photographic recollection of every passage of the Bible that he had ever read (apparently all of it) and carried around his blue blanket wherever he went. He also had a remarkably odd-shaped head. This was presumably from getting kicked around all the time by Lucy, his older sister, but it could merely be a birth defect. Tragic. Heartwarmingly, though, Linus proved that even people with nine strands of hair can reject women, as he constantly had to turn down Sally’s amorous advances.

5. Schroeder
Schroeder played the keys like if Stevie Wonder was blond instead of blind. An enamored Lucy spent much of her time lurking around his keyboard, but Schroeder’s only true love was Beethoven. This ended up creating one of history’s most controversial age-gap relationships, which was quickly glossed over by the Beethoven family. Schroeder was also the catcher for Charlie Brown’s infamously terrible baseball team, often mediating conflicts between players. A young Current reporter frequently identified with Schroeder due to their matching hair and tendency to unwillingly attract vast quantities of adoring women. No bias here. Next!

4. Lucy Van Pelt
Lucy was pure evil. She delighted mainly in the suffering of others and won her fame by coercing Charlie Brown into kicking a football and then pulling it away. In fairness, one cannot completely blame Lucy, as Charlie Brown should have quit after the first fall. Lucy was portrayed as bossy, fierce, loud and violent. However, from a modern feminist perspective, she was simply assertive and stuck up for herself. Sadistically. In another world, she would have made an excellent drag queen.

3. Charlie Brown
Charlie Brown. The man who started it all. The strangely bald and heavily Christian child with ambiguous depression and an eclectic group of friends. Charlie Brown provided a window into a darker side of childhood. Instead of being all sunshine and playgrounds, Charlie was moody and introspective. He felt things deeply, experienced mental health struggles and had no hair. He was naive yet incisive and wise, and he cared deeply for his loved ones. Charlie Brown started as a character that reflected a different side of the idealistic 1950s and grew into one of the most iconic and realistic characters in modern fiction. But he’s not our favorite.

2. Peppermint Patty
The most athletic of the “Peanuts” bunch, Peppermint Patty (a nickname for Patricia) proved that girls don’t need to be feminine or conventional to be powerful. She wasn’t booksmart, relying on Marcie for much of her education and frequently sleeping during class. But there was something so impactful about Peppermint Patty. She was a baseball champion, a master of any sport she tried and even won a citywide essay competition. She didn’t care about her looks (except for that one ill-fated attempt at getting cornrows) and she refused to compromise for anyone. Peppermint Patty was awesome. But she wasn’t quite the best.

1. Snoopy
What more do you want us to say? It’s Snoopy! Who else would be number one? He’s a literal veteran!

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Images are official promotional material.